Have you ever watched some of those TikTok trends about weight loss? The ones where the POV is usually "How I went from this to that" or even this particular POV that popped up a lot on my feed: "He didn't love me because I was slim. Do you think he would love me now?" followed by before and after pictures of the individual where she was quite slim and later put on weight.
Before I proceed, I've got to ask, which category do you fall under? The "I lost weight," "I gained weight," or neither? For me, it's the latter. I finally put on some weight! Go ahead and say a hallelujah! Trust me, it calls for it.
For years, my weight fluctuated between 41 kg to about 43 kg. Last year, I managed to reach about 51kg. I was incredulously ecstatic. This year, I pushed it further to 60kg within 4 months.
I've got a thousand and one ways I want to share this story, but I'd rather go personal. After all, it's the reason I started this blog in the first place.
I grew up chubby. I was one of those kids who matured early, got the boobs early, and saw my period early, so I looked quite grown up as a young girl.
Then I got into secondary school, and I would observe the older students pick at some of their foods. You could hear some of them say, "Oh, I don't eat beans" or "I don't eat this soup or that soup." Some never ate lunch at all.
There I was, in my impressionable state, thinking, this must be what makes them so slim, classy looking, and graceful. Silly, but I truly believed it because I started doing the same thing.
At first, it was just a particular meal. As time progressed, I could barely eat most of the food. At the time, I didn't realize how a silly thing would later trigger feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have started.
That is the story of how this one-time chubby girl became so slim. During those times, the one comment I heard a lot and hated was, "Geez! Sylvia, you're so small."
I can't blame them though. It must have been a phenomenon watching me deflate.
Anyways, I stayed slim for years. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't put on weight and it used to bother me a lot back then. They were experiences I felt I missed out on because of it.
Like wanting to know what it felt like to be the girl that walked by and turned heads, or the girl guys picked out of a crowd to talk to. I wasn't strikingly beautiful or full enough. I was short, averagely good-looking, and smart, but it wasn't enough for me.
I learned firsthand how a negative view of oneself can emerge from not having simple experiences. Most of my friends at that age were either strikingly beautiful or full enough to grab attention. I would be ignored by boys and not particularly singled out. It was tough having to make peace with my body back then.
But make peace with it, I did. What I lacked in looks and body, I made sure to make up for in smarts and personality. I read voraciously and learned to speak polished. I was charming with a distinctive smile that made people feel comfortable around me. Those characteristics did garner me some attention.
All this was good and fine, but I knew the body I wanted, the weight I wanted to grow into, and this year, I was determined to get it.
I moved out of my family home in January, which meant I didn't have as much physical responsibility as I used to and would have more time to focus on myself. By February, I registered at the gym. I decided this was the year I was going to put on some quality weight.
Here’s a video showing my progress after four months.
You may think I'm here to just talk about my weight gain journey but no that's not it. However, I do find it ironic because most weight journeys are usually about weight loss.
What I wanted to share was what this whole process opened my eyes to, which is, that growth is truly a beautiful process.
More than that, it's that if something has the capacity to grow and stretch, then it can evolve into so much more.
If I knew then that I could and would put on weight, I would have shown myself more grace.
Sometimes I think we can be blinded by the now because, in that moment, what is present can feel too real and much more tangible than what can become.
However, if that thing can grow, then you shouldn't just hold out for what is present but hold out for what can come out of it.
This reminds me of someone I met in my 300 level. I thought we were gonna eventually become exclusive but that didn't happen. One of the excuses he gave me for our breaking up was that I was a student and he didn't want to be with a student.
Now, I recognize that his desires were very valid but I’ve often felt like he failed to recognize that I wasn't going to stay a student forever.
He forgot that I would eventually grow out of being a student and grow into something or someone more.
Doesn't that aptly capture how short-sighted we can be? Writing people, projects, ideas, or even dreams off without stopping to see if they have the capacity to stretch, to grow, to evolve.
I know that oftentimes the present can seem so tangible and real but I think it's about time we start training ourselves to see beyond what is present to what can come out of what is present.
You know, my mum used to tell me in our local dialect, “Aya kpon ubom tutu”. Translated to say, You'll put on so much weight. This was her response whenever the subject of my putting on weight was discussed.
And she was right. I did put on weight and so will you. So will your business, so will that relationship, and so will that idea or project.
“I assure you and most solemnly say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone [just one grain, never more]. But if it dies, it produces much grain and yields a harvest.“