Sometime ago, I had a conversation with a friend and he asked me a question, "Why do ladies feel that they have to be in a relationship to feel validated?" I could tell this had been on his mind because of the way he had blurted out the question as though he had just had a conversation with someone prior to our phone call.
I, of course, couldn't fully agree with him as not all ladies feel that way. However, he made me realise that it actually is a problem, especially in Nigeria.
The way the female is socialised, it's in such a way that the high points of our lives have to do with marriage. I mean, from childhood we get baby dolls and we dress them up in gowns we think would suffice as a wedding dress. We have our beautiful imaginations of how our weddings are going to be like. We often believe the fairytale stories of the Knight who saves the lady. Blah blah blah.
I had to explain this to him because it is a fundamental problem. It's like if you've somehow gotten to 20 years and you've never been in a relationship then you must be weird.
Though I thank God that a lot of that is changing and ladies are coming to know that a relationship does not validate their existence as females.
However, this conversation got me thinking about how much people acquire stuff or get into something not because they really want to but because they think these things will somehow prove them worthy. Like if you possess this thing or begin this new venture, you're suddenly a man or a woman.
Infact, this particularly reminds me of Queen Vashti from the Bible. Here is her husband the king, drunk and in high spirits and he's thinking, "Hey, go call my wife I want to show her off because she's very beautiful so everyone can envy me and wish they had such a beautiful woman as their own". Of course Queen Vashti, headstrong and her own person was probably tired of being put on display and treated like all she was good for was to act as some source of validation for the King. Queen Vashti, simply refused to appear before Him which no doubt angered the King enough that he exiled her as Queen.
I have no doubt that she left that palace with her head held high knowing that the crown didn't make her worthy as Queen but it was she who validated the crown.
It's like something my mentor used to say, "It's not the office that makes the man, it's the man that makes the office".
In a world where labels become our source of validation, in a time where material things come to define our worth, its so important that you know, none of these things make you, you. Only you can do that! Not the car, not the pretty girlfriend, not the amazing man, not the great job. Not any of these things. At the end when we separate all of these things from you, what remains should be more than enough to make you feel like a person.
It's not the degree, the house, the job or whatever it is for you, that validates you. You validate all these things. You give life to all of these things. It's you that makes it all worthwhile.
Don't go into a relationship because you think it will validate you somehow, do it because you want to build something beautiful with someone. Don't start a business just because you want to feel among, do it because you want to make impact through the services you offer.
Life is so much bigger than all these things, so live knowing that you are absolutely enough for you.