At a particular time in my life, I stood on the precipice of change and may have fallen off if I hadn't hooked on to something. I hope this experience resonates with you and if like me you're in a flux, I hope this ministers the strength you need. Take a little care to read, I've poured bits of myself in these words.
Just after my 2nd semester as a 100level student, I was appointed as the Church outreach coordinator where I worship. I remember how I felt when I was called out. Gosh! my heart just gave way, figuratively of course. I couldn't understand why I was entrusted with such a sensitive position. For me, I was just getting used to the system of things and didn't feel ready. In fact, I knew I wasn't ready. Yet there I was, part of the newly appointed executives.
That day, while prayers were offered to God for our sakes, I knelt there and poured my heart out. I asked God, "Why would you choose me?" I felt too unqualified and I told him just that. I went further to say, "God I need your help, I can't carry out these responsibilities on my own". In time, I've come to realise that this is the best prayer I can make for myself. Might I add that His grace has always proven sufficient.
Not long after I was appointed, we vacated for the semester. Just when I had made plans to resume, ASSU went on a warning strike which later spiralled into an indefinite strike that was eventually called off at some point in February.
Now, here I am, preparing for the trip back and I'm bombarded with mixed and complicated feelings on so many fronts. I wanted so much more out of the school year; I had expectations that I hoped would be fulfilled and things I wanted to experiment on. Inclusive, was my responsibility of being the outreach coordinator. There was also the fact that I hadn't seen my friends especially those from Church in months as well as my roommate and I wondered what it would feel like. Would they seem like strangers or would they feel like home? On the school front, I had notes that needed to be updated and certain assignments I needed to get out of the way. Way back then, I didn't have an android phone and just thinking of how I was gonna get all my assignments done was more than enough to make me feel despondent and certainly reluctant to go back. Of course, there was the hope that it would be a better school year financially and all. Summarily, I just wasn't looking forward to going back. Au contraire, I dreaded it. Irrespective of my feelings, I realized that I couldn't run from it; the time had come to face things head on.
Arriving in school and trying to get acclimated to the environment my roommate and I had moved to had me forgetting all my woes untill wednesday drew near. Note that wednesdays are service days. That day, I felt like I was going off to face a battalion where I knew I would surely be decimated. It's absolutely crazy how the complete opposite of my thoughts occurred. I was warmly welcomed with the chorus of 'you look good' and 'how is Akwaibom state?' which is where I live. Though the welcome did a lot in making me feel relaxed, I still felt so off-centred and disconnected with my world.
I thought it had to be the change of environment but I later realised it was more than that. I just hadn't found my balance yet and it was obvious at the time. There was little to no commitment from me. It was evident I only carried out my roles to, "Fulfill all righteousness". My heart just wasn't in it.
One day, my Pastor called me aside and asked me, "Sylvia what's wrong?" Remember I said it was obvious that I was noncommittal. He went on to remind me of my past self that had been so passionate. He said, "Remember that crazy hairstyle you made that had you looking weird physically?" I nodded yes. "Yet, when I looked at you I could still see beauty radiating from within you because of the light and passionate fire that was working in and through you." Then he asked, "What happened to that lady?"
There I was staring sheepishly, just wanting to escape the probing yet having no choice but to answer the question asked. To that I said, "Sir, I'm just not balanced". Lord knows, that was the simple and honest truth.
My Pastor goes on to tell me that if at this stage of my life I was unable to find my balance, then how did I hope to cope when I would eventually become a wife, a mother, a career woman, a mentor and more? Just as I processed those words and the reality of it hit me, I realised he was very right. If I couldn't find a way to remain tethered at that stage in my life where the duties expected of me though demanding would be nothing compared to what awaited me in the future, it's a wonder then how I expected to cope with being a wife, a mother, a career-woman and much more later on in life. To that he said, "Find your balance."
Not long after that, we went on a retreat. I didn't plan to go, didn't even know there were retreats of that nature at the time but at the insistence of my Pastor I changed my mind. Thank God I did because after that day, Sylvia Duruson, outreach coordinator of KD IMSU was reborn, lol. I came back from there, renewed, re-fired and focused. I finally found my feet!
Like me, maybe the world around you feels so off centre and chaotic, maybe it feels a little too close to the edge than you're used to or maybe you're about to experience a change in your life that has you feeling out of sorts. Whatever it may be, I just want to remind you that it's important you find your balance.
I can imagine that when Moses was leading the Israelites through their exodus from Egypt to Canaan, he must have felt wearied down by the responsibilities of being the leader to a stubborn and stiff-necked people, that's how the Bible describes them. When things didn't go well, instead of asking nicely, they just complained and complained and I can bet Moses was dead tired of it. I believe that more than God calling Moses out to the mountain because He had things to impart through him, that Moses himself must have looked forward to that time away where he could just shut the door to their noises and complaints without being reprimanded.
It's no wonder whenever he came back, he came back much better and more glorious. The Bible even said that the people couldn't look upon his face because of the intensity of the glory he had come in contact with.
Maybe, like me, you need to go on a corporate retreat or like Moses, you need to plug out from the world completely. Maybe, what you need is to just take a break! However you need to come to terms with your life, your environment, the changes you're going through, whatever you need to to do, please do it and find your balance.
It's important that you find your centre and stay anchored to it. What is it that anchors you? What is it that tethers you to life?
Whatever or whoever it may be, you need to find it and hold on tight. The depth of your productivity is tied to your anchor; it's tied to your centre.
FIND YOUR BALANCE!
Jesus remains my anchor always, what about you?